Since Friday I haven't been mentally intact enough to handle my emotions. Or maybe I've finally given myself over to the raw facts and made myself feel. Even throughout the past few months, each new shock wave slicked away more of my resolve to find fairness by replacing it with unity and love. But now, reasoning with the chaos that we are born into no longer pacifies me. I feel guilty. And I feel alone. And I feel so much that I just do not want to feel.
Daniel is eight, a mix of fragile limbs and enlightened spirit. I hurt knowing that. After the summer and the fall, I said what is going to happen in December. It has been every two months and the next one is suppose to happen in December. And then it did. But I never thought it would. Am I torturing myself with my need to understand what happened. News articles hurt or heal? I hurt or heal? At the time, I never knew it. How could I not know depression when I lived in depression. But how could I. Now looking back, I see it objectively with a little confusion and a little rationalization of the irrational. But was it irrational. Am I being irrational now. It has brought me back to the reason for starting this blog. I named it eohs for a reason. epitome of a happy soul. It keeps me connected to myself. I read what I wrote, and I can reestablish myself.
e.o.h.s.- epitome of a happy soul.
Sometimes I get annoyed when people tell me that "happy" is too generic of a term. And then sometimes, I totally agree. Come on, there are such things as thesauruses.
But there was a period of time when I could not be defined as happy. So "happy" is important to me.
This blog is a memory log, always reminding me of the things that make me smile.
I love fashion and hunting for looks, so why not celebrate that.
And I love creating, although a bit hesitant to share, but why not celebrate that.
I suppose I'm grappling for a way to make this count for more people than just myself. I thought ads could generate some revenue, but alas, that is not very true. But I need to know that any success in whatever it is that I do will go towards what matters to me.
A bulky percent of the money earned anywhere goes to the eohSpirit, a tangent to eohs dedicated to donating to the IMHRO [International Mental Health Research Organization]. It's very much a tangent because eohs is about happiness so I won't be promoting eohSpirit for direct donations, if interested, donate to IMHRO.
Right, I am doing this for a reason. So is that why Friday made me see the indiscriminating thrashes of hurt with so much hurt. Am I doing anything at all. I need to spit these words out, but do I even want anyone to hear me. I can't decide. And then I realize that this is the threshold so many of us do not pass. Going unnoticed not for the lack of thoughts but for the lack of words. Is this how he felt? So I need to throw out all my thoughts. Not to crumple them up into a metal pronged waste basket, but into a mecca of optimism because even though I don't feel that now, I need to feel it later. After the intensity settles, I need to be able to pick up with proactive thoughts. I cannot say that I've been thrown into activism for a cause before, not in the way that calls for embedded devotion. But this is how it feels to be so personally entrenched in a need that you can't do anything except be devoted. I've finally felt the plates under my feet move.