Thursday, January 30, 2014

The Eve of a New [Chinese] Year

Ah, like the good olde feeling of nostalgia. At random moments, it fills you up with comfort and a smile. That's how I've been thinking about eohs. I haven't signed on in a while because I felt a bit hesitant to put my words out there. If I were to be honest, I didn't really take the time to come up with any words to begin with. Since tomorrow is Chinese New Year, I'd like to start again. You know how when life picks up, the things you do for yourself go to the wayside first? Well I can only speak for myself but that's what happened last semester. While I recognize this in retrospect, I also recognized it during the semester.

Hmmm, bringing myself back 5 months. I felt invigorated by my courses but I quickly realized I had taken on too much. Maybe 27 hours of class and studio time was making me a bit crazy. I felt frustrated with myself because I didn't even have the time to absorb everything that poked at my curiosity or helped me feel refreshed. After a month of feeling like Raggedy Ann caught in the jaws of a 24-hour day, Sam helped me realize that hellooooooo I am in total control. So I dropped a beloved studio but gained back 6 hours of much needed time. I don't like to make trade-offs but I knew that I had to. I still had to function at a non-stop pace, but I could now take a gulp of air here and there. That type of pressure I can work under.

Then in October, Sam was diagnosed with stage 4 lymphoma, which at first I thought was an infectious disease [should've turned to Google] but turns out, it's not. When he told me that he'd have to get surgery to remove the mass that we THOUGHT was bulky muscle from getting swoll at the gym, I thought that that would be the end of it. But then when he told me about the chemotherapy, that's when the word "cancer" threw up in my mouth. Yes, gross. The next morning we went the Castlewood to hike the earth and look down at the changing autumn leaves. We wanted to be invincible.

This was right before Halloween and no haunted house or bloody ghoul could compete with the cancer. So naturally, on our way up to Iowa to be with family and docs, I brought along face tattoos that I had saved up for a year. And when I say face tattoos, I mean full-body-forehead-to-chin-tattoos.


Now, there's about a month left of treatment. Although we've adjusted to it and life is at a new normal, it's still strange that this is a thing. All my thoughts are no longer about his cancer, but when I do think about it, I think "how odd." But happiness is now even more clearer to see and to feel. I genuinely feel happy everyday and smiling comes easy. I think that's just what happens when love and appreciation are shared with abundance.

My absence from blogging has been jam-packed with life. And I think I'm ready to share it again.