Sunday, October 14, 2012

Of Being a Wallflower

My first words were "this can't be real life." And I still very much feel that way although I've also come around the grim hysterics of the situation and realized that there is still beauty in real life, and there always will be. Trying to not let fear or anger or frustration or anxiety get the better of me, I want to continue loving all the good and being present everyday. 

A genuine and beautiful girl lives on in all of us who knew Lizzi. The fierce loyalty and compassion she had was notable to anyone if they witnessed even just a split moment of her with her friends. Although we were not close, it matters to me that I can distinctly remember her smile whenever we talked. After we determined that she would be Prom Queen, Ms. Hoey and I knew that there was no one else who would feel more appreciative. And as selfish as it may seem, it matters to me that I contributed to a happy moment in her lifetime. And when she sang a duet of Into the West for Baccalaureate, I remember being filled with awe and pride. And that matters to me too. I feel desperate trying to grasp on to these moments but I honestly don't know how else to react. These past months have been a complete shock to my system. Every couple of months, and I feel a new shock. I heaved out tears and horror at the thought of what could happen next. I know that is not the right mindset to have, but I could think of nothing else. Twenty four hours later and I'm making the biggest effort to continue seizing all the opportunities and love that I can, but I feel a bit exhausted. Rest in peace Lizzi, I'll carry you always in my heart and soul right next to Gabby and Emily. 

In lieu of attending my sorority's Set Up Party last night, Sam and I caught a showing of The Perks of Being a Wallflower. It was honest and raw and probably not the best idea, but I'm glad that we went. I don't plan on letting fear dominate life.